Divorce, his midlife crisis: you'll survive it. A personal account.
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Surviving the shock of the break-up
If your marriage or relationship has broken down because of your husband's midlife crisis (MLC), and you're in the early stages of shock, I hope this summary will help you believe things will get better. I know how difficult it is to believe, in the acutely painful stage of shock, that life will ever be peaceful or happy again. And break-up is a whole different thing when it's a result of the peculiar and apparently swift personalilty change men undergo in MLC.
X & I were together for 19 years. Fell madly in love at the start & bought a home together after 12 weeks. He was gorgeous, doting, caring, considerate & romantic. Nothing was too much trouble for him if it made me happy. And I loved making him happy too. We had masses of fun, travelled, laughed a lot, supported each other, virtually never argued. Life together was easy. He said a zillion times “You’re the only girl in the world for me” even when I was well past being a girl. Never gave me a moment’s doubt or jealousy. I trusted him and his integrity without question. We got on well in good times and bad. We loved, admired & respected each other.
In 2004 we moved to France to a beautiful home & area that we knew well. So for two years, he renovated the house& I earnt the money. In winter 2006, he went back to the UK to earn some cash. His mother got ill and died in early 2007. He seemed OK with the loss and came home and presented me a great plan he’d made for “our next ten years.”
But unknown to me - carefully hidden from me in fact - an earthquake was in the making.
Not only had his mother died but he'd just turned 40. Two huge triggers for a midlife crisis as I was later to discover.
In July 2007, after a nice evening when we ate outside, had a couple of glasses of wine in the mid-summer heat and he told me was planning a holiday for the two of us in the Seychelles, I found him sneaking out of the house at 4am with a hastily-packed bag.
Maybe you know the feeling – like being slammed on the head with a cricket bat.
He simply said ‘I’m leaving you’ and walked out of the house. I'm not very proud of the fact that I fell on to my knees and screamed in shock for about an hour.
The Crisis rollercoaster had been unleashed.
I have never since that day had anything remotely like a normal conversation with the man I lived with for two decades. He had become a stranger overnight and the opposite of everything he used to be.
He took to returning every six weeks, staying in our adjoining apartment. There followed a year where I tried to figure out what would happen with the house. I didn’t want to lose my home as well as my relationship.
The first time he returned, he announced that he wanted to bring women to our house ‘to use them for sex.’ He mentioned a girl who was JustaFriend. Had kept her secret but had known her for some time. Met her on a plane. Some weeks later I asked him when he called one night if he had a new partner and he said ‘Yes’. Not JustaFriend, but a new one, married with three kids. Later he said two kids. He had already ‘given her a lifelong commitment’.
Within weeks of discussing the next ten years with this man I trusted completely, he’d run away, I had no idea of his address or phone number or where he worked and he’d ‘committed for life’ to some other man's wife.
He was cruel and scornful, or just vacant, and didn’t converse rationally. Once or twice he saw me cry and said angrily ‘nothing has happened to hurt you.’ He demanded that he be able to bring the new girlfriend to our house for a holiday.
During 2007 he displayed a completely new personality. It was surreal. Where he’d liked chess he now liked online poker. He now liked aspects of popular culture that he’d always thought cheap and vulgar. He’d always liked classical music and good literature; now he liked corny pop songs & trashy romantic novels. He talked about sex in a smutty way. Practically every view he had ever held was swapped for its opposite. I wondered if these were the girlfriend’s preferences or if he was, independent of her, having a personality change. He spoke about nothing at all other than himself, his life, his interests. Usually in one-liners. And often, literally, non-sense. He showed no awareness at all that I was a person with feelings or any rights in all this.
He began telling me to sell the house so he could have half the cash. He also over a period of weeks spent many thousands of pounds on himself.
Through all this I kept pretty quiet, observing – astounded – and thinking. I went online and found the *midlifewives club* which helped enormously. As I read the stories of other women - and some men - the parallels with my partner's behaviour were astonishing. So many of the features of MLC were presenting themselves. It was textbook.
Some of the women there guided me carefully up the Crisis cliff-face. The advice was: Detach. Observe. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you; it’s about him.
This was crucial advice. There's no point trying to analyse, figure out, help, influence or fix a man in midlife crisis. He'll go through it and do what he's going to do NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. So look after yourself and leave him entirely to his own devices.
For the first six months I cried pretty much every day. A lot. I became way too thin. Slept with great difficulty and woke at 3 or 4am. I felt bleak, despairing, suicidal. I was reeling. I was also alone in a house in a forest. I had no explanation from him about what he’d done. My heart was broken. I simply couldn’t get my head round the fact that he didn’t care – hadn’t even tried to soften the blow. When I’d finished with boyfriends in the past I’d always tried to be as gentle as possible. You just do, don’t you?
Then somewhere along the line, having realised the man I knew was ‘gone’ I became seriously worried about losing my home and half my life’s investment. I felt that if he did that to me as well then I would feel so much his victim that I’d never recover. I had also resigned my job when he first left because I knew I wouldn’t be able to function professionally for months. So I’d lost most of my income.
His midlife crisis, not yours.
He came to stay at Xmas 2007 and again demanded I move out for a few weeks so he could holiday here with his girlfriend. For the first time, I began to tell him how badly I thought he'd behaved. I started calmly then he walked away. I followed and he yelled at me and I snapped and shouted. He then beat me up pretty badly. 4 neighbours and 3 paramedics came to the rescue. He was removed to a hotel. And the next day he flat out denied what he had done.I mean, he denied it to me. In real shock, I contemplated that day whether suicide would just put an end to this chaos. I didn’t want to die – I just didn’t want to feel such misery. I wanted to be happy again.
There followed six weeks of X-rays and treatments. He made no contact. He didn’t enquire whether the injuries had left me dead or alive.
And then he turned up and cried and apologised and said he wanted me to have the house.
In June, I got possession of our home and held a party to celebrate. I felt incredible relief, like I was now free to start moving on. I was coming to terms with the fact that he had undergone a huge personality change and was to all intents and purposes a different person. I asked him why he gave me the house (ie. his half of it, we had co-owned) - thinking he might say he didn't want me to lose my home after everything else. But no - he replied breezily that he just didn’t want the hassle of home-ownership. Thought it was drag.
During the year that had passed I'd given a lot of time to friendships and to making new friends. I spent a lot of time reading and thinking. Forced myself to do many things I had no idea how to do or had always done with X. I joined a chess website as my longtime chess partner had imploded. Learnt to live alone and be alone and gradually came to enjoy many aspects of that. I went from waking at 3am in despair to waking at a reasonable hour and stretching out my legs with pleasure just to feel how warm & comfortable the bed was.
In July 2008 I was invited out by someone who knew the story and knew about X's violence. This being France, quite a few other guys had invited me out - LOL - but I hadn’t been interested. Hadn’t wanted to even touch a guy for many months. But we went out and got on well and we still do. I’m cagey though and keep reminding him I don’t consider myself ‘in a couple.’ But he’s funny and sexy and mature and ve-ry masculine and generally life-enhancing so we’ll just see how things go.
X meanwhile has made contact from time to time. Just after the house transfer he turned up, cried, said he missed me, wanted to talk... (Too late.) He had invited me to lunch to celebrate our 20th anniversary… He said he thought it would ‘make things more normal.’ I said No thanks; things weren’t normal. He invited me to a party one weekend last December. In the UK. And sent me an Xmas card of 2 cute polar bears and referred to our life together. More recently he emailed in strange stilted English to say that he 'misses many things about our way of life, and sharing good things.'
Ho hum.
There are still aspects of all this that I turn over in my head because there was no closure in terms of explanation or real conversation where he was ‘him’ and we could talk things through rationally. I don’t think his wanting to finish the relationship was a terrible thing to do but the way he left was truly terrible. I lost all respect for this person I used to respect a great deal. And that’s disappointing.
I also feel it’s odd, having seemingly had quite a lot of control of my destiny to that point, that this other person made my life take a sharp turn without my consent. But as westerners we’re used to much more control than most of the world’s population ever knows; it’s a luxury we can’t depend on. Change occurs all the time, in different ways, and naturally some of it is going to be unwelcome.
I still have hearing problems from the attack. But other than that, I have formed pretty healthy scar tissue over the broken heart. And feel in fact that it wasn’t really broken, just sent into shock. I have a good circle of friends and intend to go on meeting new people - for the rest of my life. I am still thrilled by the region I live in. Have loads of interests and much I want to learn (though I’m lazy…) And am generally as enthralled by (some, many) aspects of life as I always was.
Rather than feeling like an Abandoned Spouse I feel more like I had someone beside me who keeled over and fell off the track one day. I go forward; he fell down back there somewhere.
Many jilted people agonise over what they did to ‘make’ their partner leave. I don’t think I made him leave. I remained who I was; he changed. He left not just me but his home, the country he’d chosen, almost all our friends, almost all his family and a great many of his habits and preferences. Even when he finally took his stuff away he left many things in cupboards and drawers, including his “identity” file – yep, virtually all his ID.
I was not central to his midlife crisis, just a casualty of it.
My mother, who's been round several blocks in her time including widowhood twice and cancer twice, said to me at the start of it all: “It’s ultimately just a guy who’s left you”.
I thought she was nuts. Just a guy? It was betrayal, deceit, abandonment, misery. I would NEVER recover. I could hardly breathe.
But 2 years on it turns out she was right. It was ultimately exactly that - just a guy who left me. It wasn’t a life-threatening disease. I wasn’t trapped in a warzone. Or starving.
So if you are in the early stages of the nightmare I hope you can believe that things will get better and you will gradually get your life back into a recognisable and cheerful shape.
You'll find that time, which drags so badly at first and stares you bleakly in the face very early every morning, is ultimately your friend. In time, and matched by your own efforts, you do start to recover.
I realise it must be an awful lot harder and messier for people who co-parent with the X - I don’t have kids – but even there, the raw hurt and emotion specifically with regard to your ex-partner will diminish in time. And then you’ll have the rest of your life to enjoy – and your kids too. Hang on and you’ll get through it.
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(...see also:)
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Hi Simey. Phew - you made it past 40 without imploding! Seriously, when this strange thing overtakes people they get lost and overwhelmed and do (often reckless) things they'd never have considered before. It's a fascinating if awful process to see. I've listened now to hundreds of stories from women, and quite a few men, around the world and the transformation is often as dramatic as the transition between affable child and strung-out adolescent. Anyway - if you find yourself suddenly thinking it would be a good idea to run away from home, cross the Atlantic in a bathtub or become a male stripper, you'll know you're on your way into MLC!
Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. X seems to have undergone a sever case of MLC and a mild case of schitzophrenia at the same time - plus the violence, there is no excuse for that.
You are in a beautiful part of the world (I know Provence well). Enjoy it!.
Very interesting post. I too endured a divorce from a man going through a MLC. We had been married 24 years and have 3 beautiful children together. Much of what you shared I have lived through. So sad to see someone who was once a wonderful loving husband and father simply turn his back on his family and walk out the door with no explination at all.
Jkim - sorry this happened to you too. It leaves us reeling for a lo-ng time doesn't it? I found it helpful to understand that MLC is something internal that happens to people regardless of anything their partner may or may not do. Like a kid going through puberty/adolescence - some sail through, others go nuts for a while. Look at Mel Gibson for midlife crisis. Within weeks of turning 50 he was arrested, in the news for sexism and racism, separated from his wife (2006) then got together with young Oksana, impregnated her, had a child, left her and is now alleged to have got abusive and violent with her. What a mess. But it's clear that he's going through an internal crisis. He hasn't unravelled because of his wife or girlfriend.
I liked this Hub so much I went back and read it again. I am a Man of 41 and recently Divorced. My midlife crisis WAS my Divorce! It's been 18 months since the separation (we were married 13 years) and we have a six year old daughter. I can totally relate to the sudden paralysis caused by a spouse whose personality changes overnight. The shock of abandonment and betrayal that I experienced had the same severe physical side effects you described only: I did not sleep regularly for 8 months, I still have bouts with nightmares and insomnia (much less now), I lost my business, my house (I didn't have the strength to fight for it) and barely sustained my composure during visits with my daughter. She is probably the reason I didn't kill myself! I was strong for her and I just recently won joint custody. My ex-wife behaves as if nothing ever happened. Surreal is exactly the right word. But your Mother is right - ultimately, I just lost a relationship, not my life. I have learned, same as you, that life returns with all its beautiful colors, with the passing of time. Thanks for your honest and compelling writing.
Thanks for the compliments Pedestrian. Glad to hear you survived your wife's MLC. You're a year and a half in, which is not long at all after such shock and disruption. It can take years to rebuild, but you've obviously made a good start. I still sometimes feel none of all that can have happened to me. I just don't feel like one of those people whose partner dumps them after decades together... But I am. A guy I know, who had the same experience, says his mind rebels against the thought that he's in the ranks of the divorced and no longer a happily married man. It's a huge change of identity which is forced on us. It's surreal all right - suddenly the identity of the person we knew so well for so long appears to vanish. And, in vanishing, our own identity as their partner is destroyed too. Very very odd feeling...
Thanks for sharing your story. When I say the word midlife crisis to my partner (I guess he is an ex partner now) he just denies it and acts like I am crazy. Maybe I was on the verge of it after the last few months. Glad the story had a happy ending for you.
Silvie - will PM you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I went through something very similar with my husband of 13 yrs at the time. H e was approachin 40yrs old. The most difficult part is that no one around you can see or understand what you are going through. They may notice a "change" in the person going through the crisis but they dont understand. It leaves the spouse also feeling detached, as if they just fell into someone elses life, until they finally get a grip. I pray every day for spouses of people going through this. My husbands crisis is going on for 2years now and he is so far from the person I once knew. We have a 9yr old girl who will know her Dad but will never know the person I fell in love with. Once again thanks for sharing.
Shan, so sorry to hear it happened to you too. I quite agree that when it happens you feel like you fall out of your own life into the 'wrong' life. It is surreal to see your closest confidant turn into a distant stranger. Sometimes these guys do emerge after some years. Other times they shrug off family and friends permanently. There are so many accounts on the Midlife Club website. It's well worth looking at. Lots of luck to you and your daughter as you continue to cope with it all.
I am an emotional wreck and it has been 9 months since the initial shock of him leaving home. We have been married 20 years and dated for 4 years prior. I had never heard of such behavior until this happened to me and I began searching the web for answers.
Faithful - so sorry. It's just unfathomable when it happens isn't it? My only suggestion would be to go to the midlife site - it's very comforting to find out how far from alone you are with this. And there's a lot of important practical stuff there too. You'll get through it but it does take time - some years I'm afraid. That's normal though very painful. Look after yourself physically as well as you can - not eating or not sleeping won't help.
Sad story, but it's good that you told it and helped many people. He's just a guy who left you and I'm just a chick going around giving out holiday cheer. A while back I put together some of my favorite breakup songs and I hope this also helps someone.
http://www.suite101.com/content/feel-good-songs-th
Merry Christmas...things always get better.
Haha! Good point Tina. Someone else said that to me at the time. ;-)
Merry Christmas to you too.
It sounds like there was something else going here other than an mid-life crisis. Generally speaking a MLC has to do with a person coming to terms that the majority of their years on earth are behind them. They wonder if they made the right choices or possibly missed out on something. I've never heard of someone suddenly becoming a physical abuser and disgarding everything they liked in the past (music, books...etc). It sounds more like someone who has started using drugs.
At any rate you are better off without him MLC or not.
my goodness, my husband was cruel an mean all the way through our relationship so when he left i cant imagine it was anywhere near as heart wrenching as having someone who cares so much to change so dramatically.
i cant even say my hub left for a MLC it was simply to have fun an come back to his cosy family after he had sown his oats as they say.
Bornagain - sounds like you should have kicked him out!
Thanks for this article: much of it sounds exactly what I've been going through with my (soon to be ex) for the last 15 months. He's having an affair, thinks he going to really start to live, and thinks he might marry his girlfriend (married with 4 kids!). He's lost his business, our house, and just about everything else. We were married for 20 years. The death of my parents (more like parents for him than his own) and the financial strain of business probably contributed to this. We should be divorced within the month and I look forward to starting a new life....Nice to hear that life does get better. Thanks!
Best of luck Star. Bereavement often seems to play a role but overall, as you say, the MLCer feels possessed by the idea he or she will have a wonderful, usually dramatically different life. They throw everything up in the air and don't care who gets hurt. All one can do is detach from the chaos they generate, if possible, and rebuild without them.
wow - I read this and thought, this was so close to what I went thru. My EX turned 50 & he imploded. Overnight, the man I had loved so much for 30 years was GONE & in his place was the meanest jerk I'd ever met. He did not like me, his kids, the house, anything I did or said - up until he told me his 'fiance' demanded he marry her I didn't even know he was cheating. I thought it was all me and that I had done something so evil and horrible to him even though I did not know what it was. We divorced, he remarried immediately and, know what? he's still a horrid jerk. MLC is miserable for all the innocents around it. I am so sorry that the author suffered such physical abuse from someone she had loved so much. It's terrifying. Like a mental disease that no one treats or talks about. Thanks for this site. God Bless.
Care&C. - MLC is indeed like an unrecognised mental illness. My view is that it's unrecognised because the largely male-dominated medical profession doesn't want to see it! Most of us know men (and some women) who set about destroying their families in midlife yet few people seem to see the many common psychological, emotional and behavioural elements in these midlife dramas. The online forum I mention, now called the midlifeforum.com , is a really great resource for anyone dealing with MLC. (I have no material interest in it whatsoever.) It helped me get through the very worst days and months of my life.
what about woman going through MLC? How do they behave during MLC?
Women in MLC behave more or less as men do. They'll often abandon their partner/husband and children as though it were normal to walk away. They'll take lovers, behave like teenagers and often get into debt, drink too much or take drugs and generally get out of control. Their partner, friends and family may be astonished to see a dramatic personality change. For more info google midlifeclub where you can read many personal stories of people in MLC or left by partners in MLC.
Been married 23 years. Wife lost a parent, I had cancer. Says she can no longer feel her emotions. She is obsessed with social networking and high school peers. Had or having multiple emotional affairs (she is aware that I know of one). Will not admit her feelings for me have changed. She is cold and distant. Seems to lash out at me for nothing. The person I fell in love with is gone. I feel that the "I love you but, I am not in love with you" speech coming. I feel sick inside.
Lost - please, please have a look at midlifeclub.com You no doubt feel very alone with your problem but you'll find *masses of support and information* on that site. It can be a lifesaver. It sounds as though your wife is having a classic MLC. All you can do is try to detach - step back while she chases the identity she feels she had in her youth. The site will give you so many insights into this strange midlife development. It can help you avoid pursuing her (which won't help), blaming yourself (which she may try to do) and trying to reason with her (which just won't work while she's in MLC.) Lots of luck. I know how awful it is. :(
Thanks for the response. I will check the website out. At least now I have better understanding of MLC and don't feel alone. I have been trying to back off and detach but, it is very hard.
This JUST happened to me on November 15, 2011. My husband went from "we'll always be together" to "I can't see spending my future with you" from November 4th to November 5th. He filed on November 15th after ransacking various accounts. Our 11th wedding anniversary is on January 23rd and it is kicking my butt.
KSpirit - commiserations.... Sounds very much as if there is another woman in the shadows. The rollercoaster ride is far from over for you - you're still in the early stages. Are you doing everything you need to do to protect yourself financially and look after yourself physically? It can be very hard to comprehend that this person who was our best and closest friend as well as lover has simply switched off and is quite capable of cruelty and continuing betrayal. Watch out too for the possibility that he'll try to reconcile. Some people in MLC try to come back - and some couples do reconcile, even when all hope seems lost - but often it's just to make sure they really don't want their partner any more. And that false reconciliation can add even more heartache. One good tip on dealing with someone in midlife crisis is this: pay attention to what they DO, not what they SAY. Good luck and feel free to contact me directly if you want to discuss any of this. Lots of abandoned spouses do, to talk through the many bizarre aspects of MLC.
Mu husband is 47 and is definitely having a MLC. He wants to drink until drunk, laugh, have fun, he went to a strip club, where a 26 "grabbed his phone and put her number in it", he had two dates with her even driving my car and taking her to a basketball game with tickets I gave him for a present in the clothes I bought him the day he took her out. Later, they went to a strip club. Now he says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me but wants to go to swingers club and have fun. He recently lost 40 lbs and thinks "he looks hot". He thinks he needs people to hit on him. I am older by 11 years , we have been together 11 years, I have been sick for the last 2 years, losing 25 lbs and many hospitalizations, he said he cant take it anymore, the best years of his life are in the past and he needs to have fun in the future. We always had fun, traveled, you can't help getting sick. He says he loves me but I can't see it in his eyes or his actions. We are both going to counselling, he also has a gambling problem, losting $16,000 in two months, he is going to gamblers anonymous, but still feels the need to gamble to "feel like a big shot", by the way, the stipper was 26, and made him feel young because she was fun and paid attention to him. I think we need to separate, I can't take the stress anymore.
Katy - you're right - that's MLC. I can guarantee you it won't end any time soon, unfortunately. And it's taking a terrible toll on you. Do go to the midlifeclub forum where you can discuss all this and get tons of support. I keep banging on about the forum - that's because it was so much help to me in 2007 when I went through this ordeal with my ex-husband. There are women there who've been through every conceivable experience with their MLC husbands and it's comforting to learn you're not alone. Also, there's loads of practical and legal advice there. The main thing is to learn how to protect yourself now - emotionally, financially and in terms of your health. Get in touch any time if you want to email back & forth. Good luck.
Thank you!
Hi I really appreciate the article and forum so much. I'm very upset with my life and don't know what to do. I'm in shock about what has happened to my 20 year marriage. I found out in 2011 my husband whom I thought was my soul mate my only true friend beside my mom whom I also lost in 2011 was having an affair with a co-worker whom also happens to also be a married women (I guess she is going through mid-life crisis too). I knew my husband was having a mid life crisis with his love of his motorcycle and his total dedication to working out, but never in a million years would I think he was caring on with another women, not my soul mate (what a joke). Knowing he was living a double life lying to me and had sex with this woman once drives me crazy. I don't know how long he was planning on having this relationship because once I found out he and her decided to never see one another again, go figure. I found out about this secret friendship with this so called women about a year ago we still live together in our home, but don't share the same bed and I hardly talk to him. He wants to stay together and says he is sorry but I don't know if I can forgive him. I feel so alone and disgusted with what has happened. Its so hard and I'm so unhappy often crying(even suicidal at times) and I don't know what to do.
Be well everyone
Lee - do you discuss all this at the midlifeclub forum or do you just mean here? There are lots of wise people at the forum who will support and advise you. You say you feel suicidal and in my experience that's very common when going through this betrayal. Some people keep that option in the back of their mind in case they get to a point where life is unbearable. But that's one reason why the midlife forum could be helpful to you - it makes you realise that you are absolutely not alone with this experience and it also helps you figure out, gradually, that there is **absolutely no way** that a cheating husband is worth taking your life for. I can tell you that I felt just as you do back in 2007 but a few years later I can laugh at the very idea that I thought my Ex was worth all the pain he caused me. He wasn't! Hang on, seek support, be aware that your agonised feelings *will* fade and trust that - with him or without him - you'll come through this and be happy again. You WILL!
Thanks time will heal all wounds but it's so hard as you know. I will continue to reach out in the mean time.
Dear Cathinfrance, I was amazed by your post. It is literally my life story. My (soon to be ex-) husband and I fell in love literally the day we met, we moved in together (and he proposed) three months into the relationship, got married 10 months into it. We have been together for 15 years now and have two very beautiful daughters (10 and 5). Two years ago, my hubby started swearing at me, became very violent (towards objects in the house, and also towards our dog). Like many other people on this blog, I thought we were soul mates, and hardly (if ever) argued. I moved out of our bedroom for five weeks, but then he came back and asked me for forgiveness. I decided to give him another chance, and then the whole family holidayed together. He became violent towards me there. Yet, I still gave him another chance, and wanted to work on our marriage. But things were deteriorating, with no chance of talking to him, or getting any answers. I begged him to go to the doctor on many occasions, but he flat out refused. I eventually moved out last Feb, and did not speak/see him for five months. He filed for divorce the week after I moved out, but then begged me to reconcile. Silly me, I agreed. I came back to our flat in September and then we all went on holiday to Egypt. During that holiday, he literally woke me up in the middle of the night (many nights) to tell me he loved me and he could never live his life without me. Then, again literally, immediately on our return home, he started behaving strangely - to say the least. He worked away from home, but when he was with us, he refused to do any activities with me and our daughters, but played the guitar to himself. On many occasions in our bed, till 2 am. He also started doing push/sit-ups the rest of the time. Three weeks later, he told me he did not feel the same towards me. I again proposed counselling, which he refused. Then, two weeks before Christmas he e-mailed me to say that he had rented a house for himself 2 1/2 hours away from where we live, and will desist his divorce and send me the papers "to put them under the tree". I was in shock! He screamed at me on the phone (whilst he was at work), stamped his feet, and sang "lalalalala" to me when I tried talking. I forgot to say he also quit his job back in June (an extremely good position, rarely to come across). My friend saw me shortly after this "conversation" and said I looked like I had seen a bear. I am still in shock. I filed for divorce in January, and, despite him threatening me with the divorce, his lawyer had no idea about it when my lawyer contacted her. He emptied all our bank accounts and refuses to pay alimony. He is paying me an amount a month that does not even cover our mortgage. I am not working at the moment (we both decided for me to take a 2-month break as my youngest daughter started school last year and she had not taken very well to it, so we thought I should be there for her). I am a lawyer and it goes without saying that I am applying for jobs at the moment. I have always worked full time during our marriage, and I think his attitude changed when my career really took off (despite his earnings being much higher than mine). He is a doctor, and this makes it for me much harder to understand his behaviour. He left me with virtually no income, and even advised me to apply for free school meals for our daughters. He sees our daughters a couple of days a month, and phones my eldest occasionally. Like many other people on this website, I really do not miss him. He has tried making contact with me but I refused. Rather, it is the way he sneaked out of our home and family that I was shocked with and resent. I do not think I am the best person in the world, but still think me and my daughters surely deserved better treatment than to find out through an e-mail before Xmas. I don't know if he has someone else, and do not really care, although I sometimes do believe that I would be quite hurt if I found out he has, and especially if this started when we were still together. I would NEVER treat anyone like that. I also live very far away from the country I was born in, and have no family here. But my friends keep me strong.
I have never posted on blogs before (or read them), but your post has really helped me. I would like to keep in touch.
Pru - so sorry this has happened to you. It is far more common than people think. Your husband almost certainly has another woman - that usually contributes a lot to the unstable way MLCers treat their partners. They can zigzag around till they're sure that they want the affair partner and that the affair partner wants them. It's helpful to know about the affair when there is one because it can explain otherwise inexplicable behaviour and it can alert you to family income being spent on a mistress. The key thing emotionally of course is that, whether or not he has a new partner, your husband is no longer there for you or 'on your side'. Take every step you can to protect your interests - emotional, physical, financial. Don't waste too much time trying to figure out what's happened to him - it's lke trying to figure out why some adolescents go nuts for a few years. They just do! Do visit the mildlifeclub forum to see if the support and advice there is helpful to you. And do everything you can to focus on you and the kids now - and not your Ex. He will be in Lala Land for quite some time. Feel free to email if you want to talk privately.
Hi everyone
My soon to be ex-husband has had/having his MLC - the year he turned 40. It's like he got a book out of the library called "how to have a MLC" and lived in out, cover to cover. We had been together for 14 years, never broken up. We had dated a couple of times since I was 16, I am now 38.He started off 15 months ago (Jan 2011) saying he wasnt happy.What he meant to say was "oh, shit, I am F@$%*!g someone else". But didnt. 4 months followed of him treating me so badly, leaving me feeling utterly confused. Made me feel as if I was being the baddie. Made me question my sanity. He would tell me I didnt support him in his work - when actually he was away almost every week, for 2 or 3 days, leaving me to care for our 2 young daughters and work 4 days a week. So in May he left, then he came back. He left again. Didnt once give me a reason. Just left!!! Then my friend told me she heard he was having an affair. He admitted it when I called him. It had been going on for 5 months and HE LOVED HER! We talked for hours, he said he wanted to come home. Great, i thought, saved my marriage. 2 days later I discover i am pregnant. Not so great. 3 days later i have an abortion. 9 days later he assaults me and leaves again! And moves 240 miles away. Oh, he got a big promotion at work during all of this! I couldnt breathe for 6 weeks. I couldnt eat. I was skin and bones. Walking zombie. But never took a day off work and was a great mummy. I took the kids camping on the isle of wight for week on my own. So he's gone for 5 months - wears loafers with no socks, wears a garish gucci belt with a giant golden G, hangs a jesus on the cross from the rear view mirror of his big shiny BMW, buys miracle products for male pattern baldness - all the funny stuff. Hes also nasty - starts cutting bills, inc the tv and car insurance, with no notice. MAkes threats to cut more. Says he wants an online divorce!!! Hes broke - apparently (but he earns £65K p/a). And then he takes her to spain, and stays in the villa we had booked for our family holiday!! October I start divorce proceeding as he demands it of me. By Nov 2011 he is being MAD. Screams he has nothing left to live for, says he has mental health problems, says hes never been happy since the day he left. He never signs any of the divorce papers, 2 lots sent, at great expense to me. Dec 1, 2011, he asks me to call off the divorce. He wants to come home! Yay! He has seen the light. We spend 1 w/e together - it was "awesome" he said. Then he starts treating me like crap again. I tell him to go. He doesnt defend himself.He just gets up, and leaves. He wanted me to chuck him out. And guess what...Christmas eve he TEXTS me to tell me he is back with her! So here we are. I am done. Divorce back on. No more. Right now he's skiing in europe with her. But he still pleads poverty, and tells me that the gas bill is too high and I should not have the heating on so much. At what point will he stop acting like such a selfish brat and start being a reasonable human being.I have given him everything he demands. He has always played the victim. Never shown any remorse. After I had the abortion I had to hug him, when he was crying. I had blood running down my leg and he couldnt cuddle me. I had to cuddle him and tell him we would be alright. I dont recognise him. He has changed so much. I think the Other Woman is more stupid than me. She wants to have children with him!! What woman in their right mind would want to have children with a man like that? I never would have fallen in love with a cheat, a liar, a coward, a bully - all those horrid things he has become. I think the route cause of this is him being kicked out of the job he loved about 5 years ago. It wounded him deeply. Its like he was on a mission to prove himself in this new job and cast his family aside for success at work and for some stupid woman who stroked his ego. I was a bit too busy to do that what with me being a working mother, house keeper, wife etc. I have stopped crying - a long time ago. i get angry sometimes, because he has this new life with no responsibility, whilst i am on my own raising our 2 beautiful children. i want to get to a place of indifference with him. its a fact though that hes always going to be there annoying me - when he fails to call the girls,buys them pointless guilt presents, breathing (!) - I fought for my marriage to the very end because i loved him. it was worth the pain. but no more. I am looking forward to the infinite possibilities of my future with my girls and maybe one day a really good man. good luck and big hugs to all the women and children who have also been through this. You will find strength you never knew you had. you have no choice. xxxx
Cathinfrance- I found this this thread very interesting and empathize with these women's stories. I was struck by the similarities to the things my ex-wife said during our divorce. I shudder to think that she, or someone else doing the same thing, would get motivation, strategy or encouragement from a forum like this. In no way do I mean to diminish these peoples' pain or the support and information they seek here. I am asking that, for the sake of their targets and the perpetrator's own recovery, you and your readers remain vigilant for signs of narcissism. The comfort you all provide each other here is powerful and important, don't allow others to pervert it.
Many of the descriptions of ex-husbands' behaviors here, especially the more ourageous ones, are very similar to the things my ex-wife said of me during our divorce a decade ago.
She said she felt blindsided by the dissolution of our marriage, but she had been refusing my pleas for us to go to counselling for almost two years.
She insisted that I had become violent with our two young boys, citing repeatedly an incident when my 5 year-old son tripped on a stair and I tried to catch him, suceeding only in turning him over before he fell down the patio steps, seriously scraping his ear and the side of his face. A pure and unfortunate accident that was witnessed by friends and family. Also witnessed by all was her dismay that the barbeque we were having was "ruined" by our son needing to go to the Emergency Department. Ironically, the precipitating issue that made me want to go to counselling was that I disapproved of her liberal use of spanking with the boys, often for minor misbehaviors.
She said that I had become a Playboy because I had taken to riding a motorcycle and was always gone until all hours of the night. I bought the motorcycle six years prior and rode it quite a bit until our first child came along and life was became just too busy. During the last few years of our marriage, I rode it almost exclusively to work, and infrequently at that. I did work nights, so that part was true- I didn't come back until the morning.
If I was out of the house, I was either with her, working in the same hospital she worked in, or hunting/fishing with a close mutual friend. Yet the last couple of years were fraught with serial accusations of infidelity (also brought up as fact during the divorce.)
My ex-wife gained a small amount of weight (she had always been very slim) during the last few years, which I thought made her more attractive, but I was often villified for being insensitive about her "weight problem" by making any remark that could be remotely associated with the size or weight of something. This would happen most frequently when there were sympathetic ears around (some people had grown wise to the manipulation and no longer paid attention to it.) Despite compliments about her appearance from myself and many others, she almost completely withdrew sexually, saying that she knew I found her digusting.
She often told her coworkers that she had placed the TV perfectly, so that, when "obligated" to have sex on birthdays and such, she could watch "Seinfeld" during the chore. The stories and other degrading jokes bothered some of them enough that I was pulled aside on occasion and asked if I knew that she spoke so disrespectfully of me.
I was unhappy our relationship for the last few years of our marriage, but loving family life, and coping, convinced that things would turn around.
Then Ann started working in our department. She had a unique charisma and loved doing all things outdoors. We hit it off instantly, and organized group hikes, kayak trips, and went fly fishing- always in groups. We were never intimate, or even close, but we were becoming close friends and it was causing some stress at home. There was some sexual tension on my part, but I dismissed it as a symptom of the less-than-perfect relationship at home, and never pursued or discussed it with anyone. But again, she was never quite "just one of the guys." I don't know what she was to me, but she was important.
It happened during an arguement that I was accused of enjoying spending time with Ann more than my wife. This was the first accusation of implied infidelity that actually had some truth to it, so I sarcastically agreed that digging clams on the mud flats was my substitute for sex lately.
That was the beginning of the end.
I worked that night and came home to an empty house and a note saying I'd never see my children again. Historically, this was her go-to threat when she was upset. I called my inlaws, who said she was there and the boys were fine. I decided to let things cool off overnight and talk to her after work.
When I got to work that night, the manager call me into her office. She told me that she overheard gossip in a managment meeting that my wife had taken the boys into the childrens' sexual abuse clinic, which is a section of the emergency department I worked in. When I got out of work that morning, a Marshall was waiting by my car to serve divorce papers.
Regardless of the fact that the report from the clinic determined that the "concerns" were groundless, that it was in the context of a divorce, and that she put forth hundreds of other reasons that I was a terrible father and husband, my career in pediatric critical care was effectively destroyed, my family and friends almost all shunned me. I was completely alone, barred from seeing my children (again, in spite of groundless accusations). I was barred from my home. Bank accounts had been cleaned out. Through legal maneuvering in our openly biased family court system, I was unable to recover a lifetime of possesions. I lived in scrubs for three weeks before my wife had a former friend of mine dump a pickup load of my clothes, toiletries, and some worthless clutter that she wanted out of the house onto the sidewalk on front of the fleabag motel I was staying at.
The next eighteen months was a whirlwind of lonliness, depression, court dates, and insurmountable debt.
Thankfully, in the ten years since, I have found an incredible, loving, and patient woman. I enjoy a lot of time and a great relationship with my sons, who somehow weathered the storm fairly well.
We have forged a very happy home for our family and I have never been happier, but it took the better part of a decade of extreme, unnecessary, and undeserved adversity and hoplessness to get here.
So please be alert for narcissists in your midst, who perpetrate the very same injustices that you are fighting against. They feed on encouragement to feel righteous in their viciousness. They usually support their claims that their spouse is evil with several unrelated and extreme stories. They shy away from showing any recovery from the trauma, preferring to play the pure victim. They assume absolutely no responsibility in the failure of the marriage at the same time as not showing any sense of loss or sadness that their partner for so many years is no longer there. One minute, they are the perfect loving spouse in every way; the next, they claim to have been married to this monster and suffering every day of their marriage and all they are trying to do is protect their future.
The single best identifier: They are fixated on keeping the children from the other spouse, or in the absence of children, they perseverate on what happiness the other spouse does NOT deserve, rather than the happiness they deserve (and need) to find themselves.
Please don't feed them!
Best of luck to all of you in quickly regaining your balance and joie de vivre! I have felt the worst of your pain and can attest that, at some point, it starts getting better every day until you suddenly realize you are stronger and happier than you have ever been.
Mumof2 - it sounds as though you have really been through the mill. I can only wish you luck in getting a reasonable divorce settlement and rebuilding your life and family without your MLC-Ex. B.ontheCouch - it sounds as though you had an experience unrelated to a midlife crisis. A man in MLC doesn't suggest counselling over 2 years to save his marriage. And your wife's behaviour in sabotaging your career, as you report it, is inexcusable. Again though, it has nothing to do with MLC. In midlife crisis, a man or woman has an acute identity crisis. They often try to fix that by changing their habits, their opinions, their location, their partner, their job, their clothes.... I've discussed MLC now with hundreds of people who've been through it or lost their partners because of it. I've rarely found the partners of MLCers righteous or playing the victim and I certainly haven't found that they show no sadness at losing the person they love. Generally, people are astounded at the change in their partner and are left reeling and profoundly sad and bewildered when they are abandoned. And most want certainly do want to recover from the trauma - it takes a long time however. You are right that some people will always paint their partner as a villain and that there is often very underhand behaviour in 'normal' breakup and divorce. MLC however is a category on its own, marked by behaviour which really is wildly out-of-character, reckless and often cruel and self-destructive as well as destructive of the marriage and family. It's good to hear that you now have a good relationship. You have also been through the mill by the sound of things.
cathinfrance, i couldnt agree more, with what you say in relation to playing the victim. i refuse to ever play the victim. quite the reverse. i will never quit. never let him take from me who i am. he will never have that. i have rebuilt myself. been battered and bruised, but never defeated. he, on the other hand, does play the victim, which i have never been able to work out. he always gets what he wants. only tonight when my eldest daughter told him about her cross country race she is running tomorrow he says "i wish i could be there". er, forgive me, but you left of your own choice dear husband. we all wish you could have been there, but you are in france skiing with your girlfriend!! i loved my husband so much, i would have done anything to have him in our lovely family. i still get moments of sadness, every day really. when i see a father hold his childs hands or kisses them at the end of the school day. it pains me, for the girls, and for me, because we had all of that. and he willfully destroyed it. he used to be a good, good man. and then he changed beyond all recognition. the gp said he was having a MLC and diagnosed him with depression. i tried to help him and support him in every way. i even said go have your affair, come back in 6 months when its all out of your system! i was prepared to compromise all of my values to keep our family together. there's no righteousness - too much pain and heart break for that. just a desire to survive x
Mumof2 - it's classic that your MLC-ex would say that he wished he could be there for your daughter's race. As if he hadn't *chosen* to go skiiing with his mistress instead... One of the keys to understanding midlife crisis is to look at what the MLCer DOES, rather than listen to what he SAYS. An MLCer can frequently confuse his or her partner by saying things that don't tally with his/her behaviour. For example, the words "I don't want to hurt you" conflict with the action of leaving home to be with the affair partner. An MLCer may *say* "I just need time and space" or "I want to be alone" when in fact what they *do* is spend time with the affair partner. So it's advisable to pay more attention to what they do and less attention to what they say.
Yes - I have grown accustomed to judge him on his actions not his words. His words mean nothing. I am prone to over analyzing him. Friends have told me if I could understand what was going on in his head i would be as mad as him!. They help me to see the 'funny side'. So what is the victim thing all about? Is it just another aspect of the selfishness? His classic is declaring himself broke and then having 2 overseas holidays in 6 months! What he says...and then what he does! More stuff to laugh at!
Mof2 - the 'victim thing' arises from the MLCer's sense of entitlement. (All this is discussed at midlifeclub.com). Because the MLCer develops a disconnect with reality they get the idea that the world should revolve round them and that they should be able to have and do whatever they want. (This also explains why they don't think twice about hurting their partner and kids. They frequently don't even consider that they're hurting others.) Once MLCers feel entitled to have whatever they want, then a setback or something denied to them - something they feel they should have - makes them feel peeved, or angry, or even furious. Here's an example. When my Ex asked to bring his girlfriend to stay in our home (!) and I refused, he attacked me physically. I'll bet that in his mind he was a victim in that scene. He was 'unfairly' refused something he wanted. He had no choice but to assault me across 3 rooms because I stood in the way of him doing what he wanted to do and felt entitled to do. MLCers will often appeal for sympathy from the people they've hurt. The thing is, for your Ex, it's all about him. Everything's about him and no-one else matters while he's going though his crisis. Again, because of the disconnect with reality, he'll see no discrepancy in taking 2 foreign holidays and then soliciting sympathy because he's broke. All one can do about this stuff - apart from protecting children's interests and your own interests and health and finances obviously - is roll your eyes and remind yourself he's as crazy as a teenager having an extreme passage through adolescence.
Sorry to keep going on!! I find it so fascinating. It's almost too simple to be true. But I think you are so right about their sense of entitlement. He asked me if we could still be friends just days after assaulting me!! Ha ha ha. And that your Ex really believed that he could bring the OP into your home. All of it is so shocking it makes you question your own sanity and believe that it is in fact you (us!) that has a distorted sense of reality. My Ex did a good job on me. For months making me think it was all my doing, causing arguments. When in fact I was going to great, and small, lengths to show how much I loved him and make our marriage work - when all along he was having an affair that i had no idea about. The master of manipulation. His modus operandi was to treat me so bad that I would eventually ask him to leave. That meant it made me the baddie by "throwing him out" (he always left eagerly). So he didn't ever have to pluck up the courage to tell me what he was doing. Yup - roll eyes. I do believe in this MLC theory. Sometimes, because of the great job he did on rewriting our past, I do wonder if I really was a crap wife, and that the marriage was so awful he had no choice to do what he did and I deserve everything that has happened to me/us. I used to pour over photos looking at signs of when it all went wrong...it just adds to the confusion. I did read somewhere that we cannot make sense of something that is inherently nonsensical. As the great philosopher Nicole Kidman said "It ain't what it was, it ain't what it should have been, it ain't what it could have been...it is what it is". There's something in that I think.
Sorry - I meant to say thank you for your responses. It 's good to have your perspective, having experienced your partners MLC. 'He' told me that my friends only tell me what I want to hear!
Hi Cath,
I have just recently read your post and was sorry and shocked how your story evolved. I am still in two minds over men's mid life crisis - I suppose I feel it is a label that people can use when things go horribly wrong in relationships. I too found myself abandoned eighteen months ago by my ex who left me and moved in with his new found love and her adult daughter leaving me and my son to cope with the shock of his new found life and love.
He left us with no money but carried on giving my son money, which he frequently did. I had very good friends and one in particular who marched me down to solicitor and coached me into instigating a divorce while he still felt guilty. I now am divorced and have the house, which he signed over to me. After ten months - he contacted me and told me he had made the biggest mistake in his life and wanted to come home. I was so relieved and believed him. He moved back in, stayed four weeks then left to go back to her.
I am still reeling over what he did. I have been told since that this is what they do - to check that they have made the right decision. Very cruel and selfish. I am in my 50's now and find myself alone now that my son has got married and moved abroad. I don't want to meet anybody else but would like peace of mind.
The shock of it is awful - I wonder if I'll ever get over it. It is amazing how they can turn the blame around on to you - as mentioned they have prepared themselves in advance so the taunts of "you'll have to get a grip" etc are perfectly rational to them. I hope you don't mind me saying but I agree that your ex's behaviour did sound like the effect of drugs. Can anybody change that much. My ex puts films on the internet of his new house and by all accounts is having the time of his life. Doesn't sound like he has been through a crisis at all. Only people who have suffered is my son and I. Thank you for sharing - it's a big club we're in.
Maria - I get what you mean when you say the runaway spouse doesn't seem to go through a crisis, whereas the family left behind certainly does. It's true that often the MLCer is on a high, particularly because of sex with someone new and the flood of in-love chemicals that is generated. That phase can last about 2 years. But from what I've seen, in many instances now, the Wayward Spouse behaviour has many common elements, whether that spouse is in the US, UK, Africa or anywhere else. And often those elements are chaotic for the runaway as well as his/her family. They're extrememly unstable during their MLC. The crisis for some is in the run-up to leaving home and then they get on with building their new life. For others, it lasts for years as they zig-zag between options they're unsure about. It's very common, as you say, for them to check back into the marriage and check right out again - without a thought for their partner. They just want to be sure they're doing what they really want to do. One of the characterisitics of MLC is that it hits people who tend to be pretty stable. Often they become incredibly reckless about sex, money, drugs, gambling... The change of character and behaviour is hard to get your head round. Your Ex left 18 months ago and so you're still in the relatively early stages of getting over what he's done. The life you had built with him has been unilaterally destroyed. That's a hard blow, made harder by his false reconciliation. 'Celebrities' these days are always banging on about "moving on" from one partner to the next. But unless one is very shallow, and clearly you aren't, this blow takes some years to recover from. Try not to worry too much about the future right now, or about 'living alone forever'. Life has a way of unfolding whatever you do or don't do - you may be surprised to find yourself slowly recovering and eventually feeling fine. Give yourself time and remind yourself that it's entirely normal to have the feelings you have after such a betrayal - in fact, it's inevitable and it's part of healing. Those acute feelings of loss and betrayal will diminish in time and life will improve. So treat yourself very kindly - and hang on!
Hi Cath,
Interesting read; pretty much apart from location exactly reflects what my Dads gone through 2 months ago (Clocked on something was wrong with him Christmas Day of all days and it's all stemmed from there). Since then I've been left picking up the pieces for my Mum while trying to stay strong myself. When inside I feel like I'm in bits at times.
I live in a remote part of the country away from any other family apart from my parents (now parent). And I was very family orientated as throughout my life it's the pillar of support I always relied on and trusted when I most needed it and something I always thought would be there (after nearly 30 years they've had together) so always ensured I looked after them. (Heck I even had plans for there retirement too that I never told them!)
I'd often been sat in the house after nipping round for my Sunday Dinner (who wouldn't visit for that!) while they talked about places they'd like to retire to, how many years left they have to pay the mortgage and how they'd only have to work part time at best due to equity in the property.
But since his MLC I've watched him destroy his life, pack in work, lie to me and my mum directly, and then the week after tell another story/lie, hit my Mum (wasn't thrilled to receive a phone call at 4am in the morning to go to A&E!), leave to return to his home town; all while having a complete emotional detachment from Mum (which really hurt me as I didn't understand it at the time).
The only time I knew of him showing remorse was when he realised how much it hurt me so casually chucking his life away. But then he strikes back and says I'm an adult now I living in my own house and home and it doesn't affect me.
Well it did - I realise I'm a soft sod but it's who I am and I can't/won't change it; I had to take a week off work to look after my Mum, doing the best I can to encourage her to eat. Making Soups when she didn't ask for it and so forth, and I hated seeing my Mum like that.
I've sat and analysed all the things in front of me, that I know to form my own conclusion. He just gets angry with me when I confront him with all his contradictions. Then blames Mum for what I'm saying.
Which is quite frankly a load of rubbish - I've always formed my own conclusions based on information available to me, yet whenever I've disagreed with him he just goes 'oh you're brainwashed you are' even when confronted with facts (I eventually learnt which topics to avoid with him and just never discuss them!)
I want to have a normal relationship with my Dad - but right now I can't bring myself to forgive or trust him. Yet he doesn't see why I should need to.
All the while I still worry about his financial situation as he hasn't got much to live on; plus he has no skills to fall back on for employment and I genuinely worry for the day he turns back up on my Mums doorstep and potential fallout from that.
Meanwhile - I'm making plans with my rent to move out/move to cheaper accommodation if I have to and buy out my Dads portion of the house - as it's the only way she can keep her home
But most of all - I'm going to miss the regular Sunday Dinners!
Things are roughly going back to normal now (well; the new normal)
Cath,
Thanks for answering my post. It's good to hear encouraging words. I was talking to a friend last night who had been through a similar thing. She told me when she finally got on speaking terms with her x he used to tell her stories of things other men had done to their wives and call them names! She said she used to listen aghast - while he obviously didn't realise that he'd done the same thing to her. Is it a bit of madness on their behalf? It was if he was totally oblivious of his own behaviour. I think that is the most common thing in what we call MLC.
My x used to tell me to stop kidding myself that we had something good. He said he'd tried for twenty five years to make it work. Incidentally when he came back he x told me that it was nothing to do with sex and that he thought he had a problem - so
that was a big give away that things were not all roses in his new relationship. He was very obsessive and threw himself into things with gusto. His latest one is new world order and the illuminati, which I didn't want to discuss at great length and neither did his new girlfriend - so he told me. Since leaving I have heard he has become ill, which I cannot help him with. This seems to happen to a lot of people who leave - I wonder if it is the stress manifesting as an illness.
To John - who posted last. I am not sure if you will be able to help your mum get some legal advice. Can you ask a friend to help out. This was by far the best advice I got. It will help your mum if she knows she is secure in her home - for both your sakes. If she sorts her finances out and her house at least she will have a familiar base to recover in. And who know if your dad comes out of this your mum can decide if she lets him back into the family home. I am sure my son ran away (in a fashion) because he couldn't cope with the responsibility of looking after two parents separately, so he left us to get on with it - another casualty and you know what I don't blame him.
John, & Maria - (John first) sorry to hear MLC has hit your family. It's par for the course that the person in MLC rejects points from friends and relatives that conflict with their version of reality. If you disagree with your dad, then he's sure you must have been 'brainwashed'. And, if you've been brainwashed, then since they blame their spouse for pretty much everything, you've been brainwashed by your mum. They lose the ability to reason in any objective way and commonly depart from long-held views and opinions. It sounds as though you've given great support to your mother and often people forget a bit about the upheaval caused to children, and 'adult children', in all this. If you can help your mum stay in her home that will probably be a huge relief to her. Maria - it certainly rang a bell with me that your Ex would tell YOU about the transgressions of other men, seemingly unaware of the irony. My Ex wrote to me one day complaining bitterly that in the tussle over their mother's estate, after her death, one of his brothers had "gone out of his way" to deceive him. He could hardly believe he had been betrayed. This from a man who had cheated and physically attacked me. Yet he felt he could demand sympathy. (After the attack he also asked me with great concern - for himself - if I thought he would become a serial wife-beater.) They are so unaware, so lacking in insight, that they can even seek sympathy from the people they have deliberately betrayed. In midlife crisis they lose all sense of irony and all insight. Bizarre.
Hi Cath,
Thank you. I've been told that the road to recovery starts when you begin to 'stop loving them". I have also been advised that this sometimes happens so suddenly like a switch being switched off rather than a gradual thing. Was this your experience?
Maria - I found the process pretty paradoxical. I continued to love the person I had known for 20 years but I certainly didn't and couldn't love the man he became. He became cruel and deceitful. Gradually, and it took a lo-ng time, I got my head round the fact that he *did* change and he is now someone I don't love and can't even (sadly) respect. I have heard of women who say that, given emotional blow after blow by their Ex, there was one day one too many and they realised that that was it - the love was gone. I understand that - each act of cruelty is a little hammer blow and eventually the feelings you had more them shatter altogether. I must say, now that I'm free of the love I had for him, that it's a great feeling. He can no longer 'touch' me or bother me. Worth waiting for!
Thanks Cath,
I've found your blog helpful and above all positive. It's helped me understand my feelings.
Cath,
Your story helped me no end. I wasn't married, and had only been with my parter for three years. But he really did change, overnight. Not being married or with him for that long (relatively) has made it easier to step back and detach, but I am now in the process of packing and moving out of the shared house and come across his little notes... and they are from an entirely different person. How can you ever get your head around someone changing so drastically?! Within a week of us finally splitting up after months of turmoil he was in a relationship and now moving in with her. I know I shouldn't but some of the stories above have me laughing out loud... husbands strumming guitars in bed until 2am, and the comment about someone else's saying "he wasnt happy. What he meant to say was "oh, shit, I am F@$%*!g someone else"". I laugh, because I can relate. Three months of bald-faced lies, crying, wanting hugs, saying how much he hated himself and hadn't achieved anything, and all the time he was promising another woman the earth. I got the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. Looking back he booked two holidays simultaneously; one with me and one with her. I mean, seriously!! He told his friends we had grown really distant and slept in separate beds... which was news to me.
I'm lucky in that I have no ties to him at all, so cutting loose is easy. I'm as lucky as you can be in this situation.
But I wonder what kind of person he is to this new woman? Surely not the person he became? Who would want that?! Oh god, you can go round it all in your head until it makes you mad. So I'm just packing, and me and my lovely, sweet, uncomplicated cat are getting out of this whirlwind to find some sanity.
Thank-you for sharing your story... and to everyone else who shared theirs on here too. Everything ended for me nearly two months ago and I was completely floored, but now it's mostly relief and happiness with some sad moments. May calm, peace and happiness find its way to you all.
Hi Jess. Sounds like you're going to be fine. :) Cuddle that cat!
I'm 33 and this was an interesting read. I sometimes wonder if women go through this too. I feel my wife has changed from the time when we first met and it feels we aren't on the same page as we were before. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to quit on anything but sometimes it feels like she is. I've been with her for 15 years and have 3 children with her.
We were very young when we got married and had children and by the time the youngest hits 20 we will be 43. I worry because she's there but really isn't sometimes.
Chris - women certainly have MLCs, as men do. Not so often it would seem, but they can be just as dramatic. I know personally of one woman (a friend) who hit 40 and started sleeping with her teenage daughter's 18-year-old boyfriend. Aged 41, she got pregnant by him and had an abortion. She left her husband and 2 kids to live in a squat with an unemployed drug-taker and was dead within a year. The thing is, they just don't *see* what they're going through. They can seriously lose their reason and judgement. I tried to argue with my friend not to pursue the path she was on but she simply couldn't or wouldn't stop. It's like trying to talk to a teenager going through a really bad adolescence. You can't talk them through it - they have to *go* through it. In the same wya, you can tell a child to "grow up" but it doesn't work - they actually have to grow up! You can try talking to your wife at moments when you seem to connect. You can discuss the pitfalls and dangers of midlife. But ultimately, if MLC turns her head or sends her off the rails your best bet is to look after yourself and the kids. There's really very little else you can do when someone is hellbent on a course of action.
I seldom hear men talk about being victims of broken relationships. It is good for anyone to vent.
Is is possible that abusive spouses do not know the severity of the pain they cause their partner? If they could feel the same pain, would they wake up and reconsider their actions? I believe that guilt causes an MLC spouse to become nasty and agressive in order to play the victim, which is cowardly and dirt cheap.
I have learned a lot while reading these MLC articles. The information has helped me to understand some behaviors that I have seen in many people.
My view, for what it's worth, is that you're right - the MLCer feels guilty but turns that into anger against the spouse, and blame. And if the MLCer is aggressive and unpleasant and the cheated spouse reacts with aggression and anger the cheating partner can say: "Oh well, see - we're both as bad as each other." Or simply blame everything on the cheated spouse. I don't know that MLCers aren't aware of the pain they cause. It's more that they don't care. They're wholly focused on themselves and what *they* want and really don't care about the partner's feelings or, often, the children's feelings. Typically an MLCer will tell the spouse: "The kids will be fine as long as you don't turn them against me." In other words: "I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm not going to take responsibility for my actions." I've heard MLCers (men, in these examples) say: "From now on I'm going to get everything I want," (reasoning like a teenager); "Nothing's happened to hurt my wife - she's just making a fuss" - when the marriage and family had just been broken up after 28 years; and "I gave my wife little hints about my affair but she just didn't pick up on them." The last statement shows how far the guy was from taking responsibility for his behaviour and for his marriage and family. It didn't occur to him that he should have been honest with his wife about his feelings before lining up a new partner. He told himself *she* was to blame because she didn't guess he was having an affair. But all the comments show the MLCers being highly self-absorbed and quite indifferent to their wives' feelings. For someone in MLC everything - but everything - is about them and what they want.
Your view is very informative. I have learned so much from your blog. I just wonder if any of the MLCer's eventually own up, to themselves, about the carnage they have caused. I know it's all about self preservation but you can't kid yourself all of the time.
Well, my sister's husband certainly owned up. He ran off at 40 and was gone for more than a year. He left her with two little kids and a six-week-old baby. They divorced but he returned and they remarried. They've been remarried now for over 20 years. He was very contrite and said his MLC was like a madness or a whirlwind. He felt he *had to* turn his life upside down (and his family's life upside down.) Once it was all over he said he couldn't believe what he'd done and that looking back, he couldn't understand what on earth he was thinking. He had been a real family man and became a great husband and father all over again. But between 40 and 42 he acted completely out-of-character - didn't care about his wife, didn't care about his kids. :(
My guy didn't leave because of midlife crisis but because we were fighting. I know though if he had loved me enough he would have worked it all through with me. He left very hostile and practically abandoned me my person everything. I lost reccpect for myself thinking it was me and still am beating myself up. It has been 3 months going on 4 and I still cry everyday and wonder why or how could someone I cared about leave and call it quits on another. My routine is gone. When I get home it still feels so empty I could just die. It was easy for him he had a comfy home with friends and company, different embodiment that helped him get through the missing pangs. I did nothing to him only loved everything about him. I truly cared. As for him, I should have been the one to have broken it off. But didn't because loved him and really wanted it to work. It hurts everyday I feel my health has been compromised as well. I try to take care of myself but I feel like I am still in shock and denial. He tried to explain why he left and why if didn't work but it wasn't enough for me to believe he was truly sorry for what he has ever done to me. I never posted my feelings on a blog before. But I am hoping someone could shed light on all of this. I am missing him, hate him, alone and confused.
Sad - and anyone else dealing with loss after separation or divorce - I would really encourage you to go to the site midlifeclub.com It's entirely free and there are loads of women there struggling with the same issues. It really is a lifesaver. I stumbled across it when I was trying to figure out what on earth happened with my Ex. I really wonder if I'd have got through that year without talking to all the women in that forum. It was a huge help. It reminds you that: you're not alone with this - thousands of women are going through it right now; it's *normal* to feel so terrible, which is a bit reassuring; things *will* get better, bit by bit. There's masses of support and information there so do have a look. Sending you cyberhugs.
Cath and all the other posters. I think you may have saved my marriage. I see myself in the men you describe and now think I have the strength to resist the madness.
I am 47 and have been struggling with 'what is life about' for 7 years. Perhaps this is what the women who post here do not see - that their men have not 'suddenly' fallen ill, but have been silently and secretly working at it. Some men might not even realise they are doing it themselves!
I like my wife - that is why I married her. (I love her too but that isn't why couples stay together).
The last 3 weeks - yes only weeks - I have felt overwhelmed by changes we have made in our lifestyle (new home, job, location). And have been very remote and unresponsive; thinking about how I can 'escape' and live by myself. She has also been more moody and aggressive than in the previous 14 years put together - This is due to the stress we are both under as well as our ages. Stress can be bad even if the change that causes it is good... (People who win lots of money are often overwhelmed by the shock of the change).
So now I know that what we have to do is 'keep the faith' and make it through this transition period. We have talked a lot (aka argued) recently. This is dangerous as it immediately implies 2 sides 'negotiating'. We have to stick together as a team.
In fact now I look back I can see men 'hunter gatherer' fall off a steep hormonal cliff as they lose their 'powers', and the thrill of the chase when young becomes tiring - and yet they foresee a future life of boredom 'sameness'; while women have the ability to endure pain and are naturally inclined to favour stability and are risk averse. Even in normal life these two opposing drives must be balanced - couples split up for other reasons than MLC.
so many stories, so much pain. I am trying to recover from husbands MLC, we loved each other so very much, his change in personality shocked everyone around us. It feels like he died and has been replaced by a souless being. We were really, really happy. He blames me as they do, its the abandonment, the loss of faith I now have in every one and everything. Whats real, whats not? Do people mean what they say anymore? Its been 9 months now, harder for me to detach we have 4 children. I dont want to be his friend, this he finds unreasonable. He changed so much, feels no remorse for what he did to the children and to us. My favourite person in the world changed, blamed and left us, left our lovely life and happy family. Why is that? Why do these men always leave a good life? I look around as see families who are not happy, living in a mess really, yet there husbands don't leave. Yet time and time again I keep reading that these men of MLC leave normal wives, families, nice well kept homes, its like 'life cant get no better than this, so I'm off.' Oh, I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. I just want to feel normal again, and I want something to look forward to, I am sick of pretending to be excited about things, I want to get excited, I want to stop feeling married and that even talking to a man is inappropriate, I don't feel free, I feel trapped, I haven't looked at another man since falling in love with him 19 years ago. I can't it isn't there. I am 39, I can only see myself alone, yet it saddens me I am too young to be alone, yet feel so old and too hurt to start again or to trust again. How can I ever believe the words 'i love you' ever again? I fear hearing it, and I fear happiness.
Jon - great to hear that you've figured out this is a temporary phase and a challenge to face rather than run from. If you stick with the marriage, it would be fascinating to hear whether you feel pleased with your decision in five years time. You know, the midlifeclub online would be really interested to hear your story too.
Leah - I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do go to the midlifeclub as there are loads of people there who will offer encouragement, support, advice and insight. I entirely understand the surreal feeling when a much-loved husband turns through 180° and disconnects entirely from you, his life, his family, his friends. It's shocking and seems inexplicable. I felt exactly as you do - that my Ex and I had a lovely life. He said so often enough; he was loving; he seemed as happy as I was - and then Wham. Out the door. But you are very young. Don't lose faith or hope in the future - your life will continue to unfold and will get better again. Yes, it takes a long time, much self-questioning and lots of pain. But visit the midlife forum for support. And take things one day at a time. You will recover and you'll more than likely love and be loved again. But for now, just concentrate on you and your kids and getting through each day. Again - lots of advice on the MLC website.
Hi Cath
I would like to thank everyone for sharing their stories, its been very intersting.
I am 35 and my husband of 10 years walked out of our home 6 months ago. He was very calm and collected and said "bye" and thats all and then closed the door behind him. I was in disbelief and shock that the man i loved more than anything was walking out on me and my two children. I got the classic i love you but im not in love with you anymore sentence fired at me along with other classic symptoms like the new bike, new clothes, new hair cut and then the bombshell that he had his own place (which he is bankrupting himself to pay for each month)! He has started arguments with me, shouted at me down the phone whilst hes been at work. All this and then the following time i see him hes been as nice as pie! Talk about jekyl and hide! We are going to counselling and have started meeting up for chats on a weekend which i thought were alright, but now he wants to rethink things through again. Im worried about his mental state as hes not sleeping at all which tells me that hes not ok with the situation at all. What do you think? He has also posted a message for all to see on a social networking site that hes at tescos late at night becaus he cant sleep and needs his diary. Also pleading with people to help him as he knows something is wrong with him but cant see what it is. Is all of this normal? Hes also starting to dislike his job. He also came to see me on my birthday with a very nice gift and a card with to my wife with love on her birthday on it (which he knew i wanted more than anything else) only to find it had not been written in at all! not even my name in it, which hurt me considerably. He has been out with his friends clubbing till the early hours of the morning and puts new status' saying wish someone was with me whilst walking back from the clubs. Do you think he will have an affair? Im hoping he wont as i know that i couldnt take him back if he does and he knows that. He has told me and the kids that he doesnt want anyone else and that this comment was to do with our daughter but i find that hard to believe. Its as though someone has put something in his drink. Hes not the same man anymore. Thanks for your help cath.
Confused - your husband has left the marriage. Hard as it is to get your head round what he's doing, there is nothing you can do about the way *he* feels. Most MLCers seek out new experiences and that almost always seems to include a new partner, or affair partners. That's no reflection on you. He's having an identity crisis in which he wants to change everything around him rather than figure out what's going on within him. Have you looked at the midlifeclub site? If not, do go there for support and understanding. Also get legal advice. Many people going though this think and hope that their partner will just 'come back' but very many of them move steadily, or unsteadily, further away. Many people on the midlifeclub forum report partners wanting to reconcile....only to run off again. A midlife crisis is not quickly resolved. It lasts for years. So protect your legal and financial interests. Getting advice doesn't commit you to any course of action - it just tells you your rights and options. Also take particular care of your health. Going through this is a major life trauma - an ordeal - and you need to eat, sleep and exercise to help get you through it. The site will tell you all about "detaching" - which means standing back, emotionally, and letting your husband get on with his 'new life' while you focus on helping yourself and your children. Best of luck. Email if you want to.
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SimeyC Level 5 Commenter 2 years ago
Very interesting hub - as a man I really hope I don't do this to my wife - but should I have a MLC I will remember your words and at least attempt to think about my wife, who has been my partner for 12 years and try and remember that she was a huge part of my life!
Note - I am not going into MLC nor do I intend to (I'm 42 so it's about that time!) - but your words definately made me think....thanks for sharing.